hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
