I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
