the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
