What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
