you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize