I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
