I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
