why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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