I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The air taste purple.
Randomize
