Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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