apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
