there's paper in my vomit.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
