I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
