just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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