nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
