Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
