You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
