so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize