I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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