9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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