apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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