Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
