No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
