took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
two words: eviction party
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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