You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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