My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
