four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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