my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
