I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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