did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
