If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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