He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
