He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
