she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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