sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize