I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
