He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
