I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
