Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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