Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
