It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
