the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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