Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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