is your mom at the bar?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
