One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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