This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i think i just lost a toe
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
