ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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