I'm so fucking centered right now
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
