ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
