how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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