i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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