I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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