so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
