There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
