How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
