My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
