the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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