Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
