Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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