I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
