So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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