This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
