I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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