Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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