the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
